New TV Patrol Anchors

Because of the incident that recently occurred during the 25th anniversary celebration of ABS-CBN’s news program TV Patrol, in which President Benigno “PNoy” S. Aquino III lambasted former Vice-President and now back to being broadcaster Noli De Castro in front of the ABS-CBN bigwigs, reporters, celebrities and staff, the Aquino administration has seized control of the primetime television news program and replaced its news anchors namely Noli De Castro, Korina Sanchez and Ted Failon.

Malacanang has released the names of the new TV Patrol anchors to deliver, or read, and never comment, the nightly news 5 days a week:

1. Benigno S. Aquino III (Noynoy himself)
2. Kris Aquino (the President’s famous taklesa celebrity sister)
3. Boy Abunda (celebrity showbiz talk show personality, product endorser, and Aquino family friend)

However, it is rumored that even the weekend news reports will soon have new anchors as well. Malacanang is just waiting for the recommendations coming from the JBC – the Juicy and Bonggang-bonggang Congress to determine who among the nominees will be chosen as top three news anchor wannabees. Aquino will then pick his choice out of the three JBC recommendations.

Aquino has forbidden Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda to participate in any part of the show after the recent Twitter scandal where he was quoted as saying “It is not my problem if you don’t have a high-tech, top of the line iPhone 5s with unlimited Internet connection like I do – free courtesy of the Office of the President.  I can follow all the tweets of DOST or PAGASA to update me on the weather conditions,…. and even the rants and tantrums of showbiz monster Annabelle Rama as bonus.”

Abigail Valte, Deputy Presidential Spokesperson, has also revealed to the media that the Aquino administration will be retaining Kuya Kim Atienza as “Weather-weather lang yan” reporter because of Aquino’s love for daily trivia, facts and other information about animals especially the likes of reptiles (buwayas) and chameleons (balimbings), but will have to replace Marc Logan because the administration wants to steer away from senseless satire news that pokes fun of the shortcomings and mistakes of people (including his lovelife).

Noli De Castro has remained silent of the sudden replacement and has refused to give out any comments to the media (even to his own network), just like what he did – or didn’t – during his stint as Vice-President of former President and now Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, who is now out on bail and working overtime to figure out how to further character assassinate Aquino and his alliances.

Everyone is invited to watch the premiere episode of the newly revised and reformatted TV Patrol on the 8th of August, where it tries to deliver the daily news reports based truthfully on the following questions:

1. Is this information we need in the voting booth (to effectively endorse the Aquino administration political party)?

2. Is it the best possible form of the argument (aligning a positive image towards the Aquino administration)?

3. Is the story in historical context (reminding everyone of Aquino’s heritage as son of the Philippines People Power icons)?

4. Are there really two sides to the story? (If there is,  scratch out the negative issue and reaffirm the positive!)

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